On her wedding day to a former Olympian, Kathryn vowed to spend the rest of her life with her husband – but within weeks the man who had promised to love and cherish her had begun raping and beating her. Now that the former athlete has been found guilty of raping and assaulting her, Kathryn (31) has revealed her ordeal in an exclusive interview with New Zealand Woman’s Weekly. *Kathryn says she felt forced to leave the relationship when she realised the sexual attacks which immediately followed his physical assaults had become a pattern she felt powerless to change.
The first time Kathryn witnessed her husband’s uncontrollable rage in 2008, she excused his behaviour as a one-off act. “It was like he just flipped out. It was totally out of character because I’d never seen it before. It was quite bad because he strangled me pretty badly and punched me a couple of times in the face.” But a month later, she says, he attacked her again. “He’d hit me. He’d strangle me. He’d punch me and then the rape would occur immediately afterwards,” she recalls. “Then he’d try to pretend it didn’t happen and make it up to me by buying me flowers.”
Kathryn says he would lose his temper about once a month and then afterwards life would return to normal. “It took quite a few incidents before I thought, ‘This is obviously a pattern and this isn’t going to get better.’” When Kathryn first met her future husband through a mutual acquaintance they soon became friends and it wasn’t long before they were dating. “I was impressed with his wit and charm. He always treated me with kindness and there were no signs he would ever hurt me. He wasn’t jealous any more than you would expect from a new boyfriend.”
She was proud of the sporting success he had achieved in his chosen field and supported his goals. “But it wasn’t a factor that attracted me. It was who he was. And I could tell he loved me.” But their honeymoon period lasted a matter of weeks and their marriage less than a year. Kathryn describes how the worst attack happened towards the end of their relationship when they were talking through their problems. Her husband suggested they split up. When she agreed, her husband lost it.
“He was punching me for about five minutes. He knew he was doing it and knew he was hurting me. I expected it but I was still caught off guard every time it happened.” And when her ex threatened a friend of Kathryn’s who had her diary (which was later used as evidence in court), it was the last straw. “He knew I would have written about what was happening and he said my friend would pay if she didn’t bring it back. It’s okay if it’s just you who’s being abused but if someone else was going to be hurt I didn’t want to be responsible,” she explains.
Kathryn and her friend went to the police who accompanied her to their house in Auckland for her to pack her bags. At first Kathryn didn’t want to press charges but after a while the thought he could do it to someone else played on her mind and she decided to act. “I started getting really bad nightmares and was worried it could be happening to someone else,” says Kathryn, who eventually laid a complaint.
In 2010 a jury acquitted the former Olympian on some charges but failed to reach a decision on others, which led to a second court case last month. By this time another former girlfriend had come forward with rape and assault allegations from 1998. At the High Court in Auckland, Kathryn told how her ex husband ripped up her study notes and then raped her when she rejected his sexual advances. But he denied her version of events, saying he remembered tearing up the notes in a heated argument but did not rape her.
He told the jury he never forced his then-wife to have sex with him or struck her with his fists, but admitted slapping her on two occasions and grabbing her throat during a play-fight. After hearing evidence from both women, the jury found him guilty of three counts of rape, one of sexual violation, one of injuring with intent and one of assault. He will be sentenced at the end of September and his name suppression will remain to protect Kathryn’s identity as well as that of his other former girlfriend.
“I don’t think it serves any purpose for him to be identified,” Kathryn says. Looking back, she believes her ex husband raped her because he was seeking to unite with her again after abusing her – but having sex with her attacker was the last thing she wanted. “He would have beaten me and then within minutes wanted to have sex. I was bleeding and hysterical from being beaten. He’d say come on, I want you to want to… I think in his head he thought, ‘I need to fix this. I need to feel like we’re together and that we’ve got love in our relationship.’
“I always resisted, but I knew that he was stronger and that it was going to happen anyway no matter how much I fought. In the end it wasn’t so much the injuries or trauma from the rape that really hurt, it was that someone who was supposed to love you could do that.”
** Name has been changed*
Kathryn’s advice to others
It was her ex husband’s irrational jealousy which was the first sign of trouble in Kathryn’s relationship. Wanting to highlight the danger signs of domestic abuse, Kathryn recalls that her former husband’s jealousy and possessiveness led to him checking her phone and reading her emails. “He tried to control the way I dressed and who I talked to.” But in some ways Kathryn blames herself for allowing her ex’s jealousy to control her.
When he asked her to stop seeing her male friends she agreed. And when he wanted her to change how she dressed, she also agreed. She’s now vowed never to compromise herself for another person. Kathryn has an inner strength that her abusive husband was unable to dent, and she refuses to see herself as a victim. Now in a new and much happier relationship, Kathryn’s life is worlds away from the domestic abuse of the past.
“Yes, it happened but I’m not going to let it rule my life. It’s hard to imagine I was ever in that situation. I’ve moved on. I’m totally over what happened.” She urges other women in abusive relationships to tell someone about their situation, because they can help them to find their way out. “As soon as you tell someone who really cares, they will want to get you out, and you only need one person. “Nothing can justify physical abuse. No matter how bad you feel about yourself you’ve got to realise that nobody deserves to be treated like that.”
To seek help from an abusive situation phone 0800 REFUGE, or for more information visit womensrefuge.org.nz
