Having the occasional spat with your partner in front of your kids may not seem a big deal. But now research suggests that if your child witnesses you arguing it could affect their brain development and increase their risk of mental illness later in life.
Scientists at the University of East Anglia in the UK scanned the brains of teenagers aged 17 to 19 and found that those who had a history of “mild to moderate” family problems – including arguing or tension between their parents – before they were 11 had a smaller cerebellum. That’s the part of the brain linked to learning skills and regulating stress, along with being responsible for sensory motor control.
The researchers say the findings are important because a small cerebellum may lead to an increased risk of developing psychiatric problems when children become adults. While experts have long known that kids who grow up in homes with a lot of violence or are neglected are more likely to become depressed, antisocial or violent themselves, there hasn’t been much research into the effects of more moderate arguing and disharmony.
But now the UK scientists believe witnessing Mum and Dad yelling at each other – or even constantly bickering – can be very stressful for small children and have long-lasting consequences.
“Exposure in childhood and early adolescence to even mild to moderate family difficulties – not just severe forms of abuse, neglect and maltreatment – may affect the developing adolescent brain,” says lead researcher Dr Nicholas Walsh.
So does that mean parents should never have “heated discussions” in front of their kids? While it is a good idea to hold off on venting your spleen until your kids are asleep or at least out of earshot, there can be times when it is useful for them to see how you deal with conflict, so that they have an idea of how to handle situations themselves. However, rather than just letting all your feelings out and yelling, there are wrong and right ways to squabble. These include:
Fighting fair. Criticise the behaviour, not the person, and don’t try to degrade them.
Trying not to shout. You can still make your point clear without raising your voice.
No foul language. It will make your children think it is acceptable to talk to people that way.
Choosing your words carefully. Say, “I feel frustrated because…” rather than “you make me angry because…”
Make your point and move on. Don’t repeat the same thing over and over – that’s bullying.
Actually paying attention to what the other person says and considering the point they are trying to make. It’s not about only you having your say.
Walking away if it’s getting too heated. Vigorous debate is one thing; yelling in each other’s face is something else. If you feel your row is on the verge of deteriorating into a full-on screaming match, walk away.
Letting them see you make up. If they’ve seen the fight, let them see how you resolve your differences and reconcile. It helps to teach them how to make amends and restore relationships themselves.
If constant arguing is a problem, consider getting professional help.
