They’re known as “can do” kids – children who are competent, secure, happy, caring and self-reliant. When life knocks them over they seem to pick themselves up without any problems and just get on with things again. Resilient kids grow up to be resilient adults, who generally find it easier to cope with whatever life throws at them.
So how do you become resilient? While some children are naturally more resistant to adversity than others, it is something that can be learned, according to researchers at the Penn Resiliency Project at the
University of Pennsylvania. They say resilience can be broken down into a set of specific abilities which can be learned and applied over time. Just as physical exercise strengthens our body if we do it repeatedly, there are things we can do to help build our children’s resilience.
What you can do
Don’t try to fix everything for them. If you always jump in to solve issues that affect your child, they will never learn to do it themselves. And they will also think you have no faith in their abilities. Unless they are in an unsafe situation, stand back and let them work out ways of coping. Be there to offer advice and support if they need it, but don’t do things for them.
Get them to explain their thought processes to you. Understanding what is going on in your child’s head can help you to take steps to build up their resilience. If they think negatively about everything that happens to them, they are likely to feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. Teach them that how they think becomes the way they feel, and encourage them to look at everything positively.
Be a good role model. Children learn a lot of behaviour from their parents, and if you get worked up when things go wrong they are likely to pick up on that behaviour and copy it. Demonstrate how you make decisions and solve problems when things go wrong.
Emphasise their strengths. Nobody can be good at everything, but find things that they can do and celebrate them. For children to truly believe in themselves and their capabilities, they need to experience success. Draw attention to what they’ve done well and the sense of accomplishment and pride they get from that will give them the confidence to persevere next time they face a challenge.
Treat mistakes as learning experiences. Make sure they know that life doesn’t always turn out perfectly and that it is only natural to unintentionally make mistakes sometimes. Point out that going through this experience will help them to do it properly next time.
Accept your children for who they are. So what if they aren’t musically gifted or they like to spend lots of time daydreaming? They have their own abilities and temperaments. While this doesn’t mean you should excuse poor behaviour – like laziness or irresponsibility – you can try to do something about it in a way that won’t erode their self-esteem. When children feel appreciated for who they are they’ll feel more secure about problem-solving.
Be empathetic. If you can see the world through your child’s eyes you can help them to cope with life. You don’t have to agree with the way they see things, but if you appreciate their point of view you’ll be better able to understand why they behave the way they do. Think about how you would feel if people spoke to you or treated you the way you are treating them. Displaying empathy teaches your child a skill that’s crucial for maintaining good relationships with people who will support them when they need it.
Be flexible. If you want your children to be adaptable and open to new ideas, be that way yourself. If they see you coming up with different ways of doing things when faced with an adverse situation they will learn that changing tactics is one way of solving problems.
Make your child feel special. Giving them undivided attention will make them feel important and is vital for good self-esteem. Studies on resilient people found that those who overcame difficult childhoods had at least one adult in their life who believed in them. Also give them a chance to contribute – this shows you have faith in their abilities.
Prepare your child for all eventualities. Let them know things don’t always work out the way they hope, but they should still strive for what they’d like to achieve. They won’t get anywhere if they don’t try – and if they fail, it won’t be the end of the world. There are other ways of doing things or other goals they can set. Life doesn’t grind to a halt just because things don’t go to plan.
**The resilient child
**Some of their traits are:
being self-reliant and coping with everyday challenges on their own
bouncing back from disappointments and trauma
developing clear and realistic goals
coming up with possible ways of solving problems themselves
relating comfortably to others and treating them with respect
having healthy self-esteem
persevering when faced with obstacles and adjusting the way they do things so they can take a different tack
