Dear Diane,
This sounds far-fetched, but it’s true. The family of one of my daughter’s friends won Lotto a few months ago – I think it was about $4 million. They said nothing would change, but suddenly this child has gorgeous clothes and gadgets and they’re jetting off to Disneyland and Europe.
It’s making my daughter (11) and her friends jealous and it’s hard to explain we can’t compete. What do you advise?
Yvette, by email
Dear Yvette,
It is entirely reasonable that they believed that nothing would change. It is entirely reasonable that they should be enjoying their good fortune and it is entirely reasonable that many of us might wish it had been us. And it still makes it pretty hard to watch. I don’t think you need to explain anything about your inability to compete. There is
no competition when someone suddenly acquires $4 million and I am sure your daughter knows that. It might be better to think in terms of “envy” rather than “jealousy”. The
main difference is that envy is an emotion related to coveting what someone else has, while jealousy is the emotion related to fear that something you have will be taken away by someone else. The important thing is that in addition to feeling envious, your daughter doesn’t feel bad for having those feelings. You can help her by expressing what she may not feel comfortable with. You could say, “It is pretty hard to watch your friend have all those lovely things.” By affirming her feelings, you give her
the most precious gift of all – empathy. “Mum gets it!”
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