Protecting children through divorce

Dear Diane,
My husband and I separated more than a year ago and he now has a new girlfriend I have to contend with. I’m not worried for myself – she’s welcome to him – but obviously I want to make things as simple as possible for my three children, who are aged 10, 11 and 14.

The 10-year-old still dreams of us getting back together one day, but I can assure you that isn’t going to happen.

Do you think it’s best if I try and talk to my ex and ask him to introduce his new girlfriend slowly so the kids have time to get used to her? I really don’t fancy my 14-year-old son finding his father in bed with a woman who’s barely any older than he is.

As you can probably tell, Diane, I’m not bitter at all! I just want to put my children first. Do you have any thoughts or advice?

Chrissy, Queenstown

Dear Chrissy,
It’s always difficult for an ex wife to deal with being rapidly replaced by a much younger girlfriend.

It’s just as hard for children to give up on their wish of their parents reuniting and to watch their mum being replaced in their dad’s affections.  So you’re wise to want to shield your children if you possibly can.

Your first job is to try to protect your children from your own very understandable bitterness. Keep off-loading to tolerant friends or a counsellor – or both – to be sure that you deal with your anger and disappointment without your children having to wear it.

If you’re able to talk to your ex, or if there’s someone else who can, make sure the child doesn’t have to deal with their other parent’s developing relationship unless both parties know it’s going to be permanent.

Even then, it’s best for kids to meet new partners away from home in pleasant child or teen-focused settings and with little exposure to physical affection. As they start to form
a relationship with a new partner, home visits are a good idea.

The best way for children to get used to the idea of a new partner in a parental bed is very slowly.

Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: family@nzww.co.nz.  Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.