Grieving teens: a communication guide

By Diane Levy on 31st January, in Diane Levy Advice, Family, Parenting

Dear Diane,
Three girls at my daughter’s school have committed suicide this year and I’m desperately worried about the way my girl and her friends are mourning.

They’re still laying flowers at the spot where one of them hanged herself and writing endless tributes on Facebook. I feel that they’re not moving on and that eventually one of them could decide that killing herself is a glamorous thing to do and then we’ll have a new statistic.

I’ve tried to encourage my daughter to talk openly with me about it but at that age you know you’re never really getting the full story. She’s fine in her everyday life but when she’s with her friends the deceased girls are almost always the main topic of conversation.

Heather, Auckland

Dear Heather,
To have a friend commit suicide is a monumental event in any teen’s life. And to have three friends do this is catastrophic, so I’m not surprised the girls are still in mourning and trying to make sense of what happened.

It’s also not surprising they’re doing their best to honour their friends’ lives and to make sure they’re not forgotten. Equally not surprising is that you are concerned about their intensity and that you worry about your girl’s wellbeing.

I recommend you ask your daughter directly if she ever contemplates suicide or if she is worried about her friends. The odds are her answer will be reassuring and that the girls are simply honouring their friends’ memories.

If your daughter’s answers aren’t reassuring, discuss your concerns with the school counsellor. Often there are special teams of experts who come into schools and talk to the kids when there’s been a suicide.

It would be a good idea for them to return for a checkup and see how the kids are doing further on. Although teenagers’ favourite occupations seem to be mooching around and chatting, it’s worthwhile making greater efforts to divert the girls into something outdoorsy, energetic and challenging, so that they have more play and fun in their lives.

Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: family@nzww.co.nz. Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.