Family

Helping a teenager cope with grief

Dear Diane, My daughter is 13 and lost her natural father, who she was close to, last January.

Dear Diane,

My daughter is 13 and lost her natural father, who she was close to, last January. I’ve tried to get her to talk to someone but so far to no success. Her school was understanding at the time but over the past few months her attitude towards some subjects is not good – she’s been on report and getting detentions. I feel one teacher might have a clash of personality with her, which I will try to address with the school. However, I cannot excuse her lateness, rudeness and bad attitude.

I need some advice on how to deal with her and some ideas about what I can do to encourage her to try harder. I’m sure deep down she’s angry about her dad passing away and the family home has had a few changes as a consequence of that, but I feel I’m not doing a good enough job. It’s getting me down, having to deal with phone calls from the school.

Worried Mum, by email

Dear Worried Mum,

There are many ways that we express grief and your daughter seems to be showing the very normal signs of hopelessness (“What is the point of doing school work or even going to school at all?”) and anger. It is very normal for a child (or an adult, for that matter) to “act out” her grief through inability or unwillingness to do homework, be on time or be respectful. You have mentioned that the family home has had a few changes – those will have contributed to your daughter’s sense of loss and grief. The other thing your daughter will be experiencing is a great sense of difference from her peers. (After all, not many children lose a father at the age of 13).

This will increase her sense of alienation. I would suggest you approach the school and say, “I need your help. My daughter is still suffering greatly at the loss of her father and the consequent changes,” rather than them continuing to see her grief as a bad attitude that needs punishment. I would expect the school to have a counsellor and/or dean who will be able to support her. They may need gentle reminding that she is far from “over it”, nor should she be.

Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: [email protected] Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.

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