**Dear Diane,
**I’m a single mum – I fell pregnant at the age of 16 and was in a very abusive relationship which had me hospitalised six times, two of which were very serious. While I was pregnant, the father of my child cheated on me and got the other woman pregnant.
I’m now 19 and struggling more than ever. My son (now two) has become very angry and his tantrums are getting worse. I’m scared of him – the anger in his face reminds me of his dad. He still sees his dad and he was never around when I was abused. But his swearing, spitting and anger is unacceptable. No-one can handle him, it takes two people to hold him down. I need help, I can’t handle it any more.
Name Withheld, Auckland
Dear Name Withheld,
Congratulations. You don’t want your son’s father’s aggressive and abusive behaviour to continue to the next generation and want to stop it happening. This is a huge and very positive step. What you’re up against is your own history of accepting abuse from your son’s father before you could leave the relationship.
You’ve also been putting up with anger from your son while feeling helpless to deal with it. This means you’re going to need quite a bit of support to break the chain of violence. Start by speaking to the Shine Helpline on 0508 744 633. They will help you find the best options.
Meanwhile, be as assertive as you can in response to his tantrums. The moment he gets angry, scoop him up (facing away from you so he has limited ability to lash out at you) and carry him to a safe place where you can put a door between him and you.
Tell him very strongly, “You know you’re not allowed to do that. Call out when you’re ready to behave,” and leave him there until he has self-calmed. That way, you keep both of you safe and show him you won’t put up with any aggression.
Diane Levy provides expert answers to your parenting queries. Send your questions to: [email protected]. Diane’s parenting books are available in book shops.
