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Tips for being a good stepparent

Stepparents

It’s hard being a parent – and even harder being a stepparent. Here are some tips on how to make taking on your partner’s children easier.

Don’t try too hard

Many stepparents are so keen for things to work out that they come on too strong. Trying to win over the child by being a cool adult who listens to the same music as them, or buys them treats all the time might win you a few brownie points to start with, but they will see through it. Just be yourself.

Agree about the rules

You and your partner should discuss important child-rearing topics – discipline, household responsibilities and homework, bedtime and pocket money – and make sure you are on the same page. If you have differing ideas the child may play you off against each other. If you do disagree on a particular topic, you may need to find a compromise and the biological parent should have the final say when it comes to their child.

Don’t badmouth your stepchild’s other parent

No matter how difficult your partner’s ex has been, keep your thoughts to yourself when their child is around. It can make them feel that they have to choose between you, and most of the time you will lose out.

Be realistic

Don’t expect your blended family to become the Brady Bunch. Combining two families is a big ask and it can take time and patience to get used to living with each other. If you set your expectations too high you’re likely to end up disappointed. Allow everyone time become comfortable with each other and the new set-up.

Take a backseat when it comes to discipline

It’s hard to find a healthy balance and some stepparents stay completely clear of disciplining their partner’s child, while others over-do it in an attempt to assert their position. It’s often best to take a step back and let the parent do the bulk of the disciplining, at least to start with. Once they’ve got used to having you in their life and you’ve hopefully earned their affection and respect, then you have a better chance of them listening to you when you do need to discipline them.

Plan activities with your stepchild

Find things you both enjoy and make a point of doing them together regularly. Go cycling or swimming, take a class together, paint or other crafts, or spend time in the kitchen baking or cooking. Sharing experiences can help you to bond.

Don’t take their behaviour towards you personally

If you stepchild does lash out at you, remember that they have had a lot to deal with, including the break-up of their parents’ relationship and now having someone new in their life. Often, they are holding on to hope that their parents will get back together and you’ve come along and destroyed that dream. They need time to get used to the idea that you are now a permanent fixture.

Keep a sense of humour

Yes, stepparenting can be stressful, but finding things to laugh about can help you deal with the tricky times. Seeing you handling things with humour can teach children to laugh at themselves and put things into perspective. Plus, laughter is contagious – your chortles over a situation can get them giggling and help smooth some of the rough spots.

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