Living in fear

Dear Wendyl,
I am trying to get pregnant with my partner of four years, but lately I’ve been having second thoughts about starting a family with him as he’s not the man I thought he was. He’s very angry and in the past year or so there have been a few times when he has yelled so loudly at me that I have just burst into tears. He was drunk both times and the next day was really sorry, but I’m worried that this will keep happening. I don’t want to bring a child into a household where anger like that is part of it. What should I do?

Scared, Opononi

Dear Scared,
You’re right. This is not a good sign and I advise you to put the pregnancy plans on hold while you two work to sort this out. Uncontrolled anger and verbal insults are serious issues in a relationship and are considered a form of abuse. Over time this abuse can have a detrimental effect on things such as your self-esteem. Just because he uses words instead of his fists makes no difference. No matter how much he blames the booze, he made a conscious choice to do this to you. He needs to man up and get some help so that you can feel reassured that it won’t happen again. Contact Relationship Services on 0800 RELATE and ask them for help. When he has learned how not to be abusive and deal with his anger, that is the time to start a family.

Send your questions to wendyl.nissen@nzww.co.nz or write to Agony Aunt, NZWW, PO Box 90119, Victoria St West, Auckland 1142.