NZ Woman's Weekly

Having difficulty trusting partner with ex-wife

Having difficulty trusting partner with ex-wife

Dear Wendyl,
Every week my partner drops his kids off at his ex-wife’s house on Friday after school. Sometimes he stays for a beer and the round trip can take anything up to two hours. I’ve started worrying that he is still attracted to her and they might be having sex. They do get on really well and their split was very amicable, but then I think I’m just being paranoid. But does he really need to stay that long, especially on a Friday night? What do you think?

Stepmum, by email

Dear Stepmum,
Living in a state of distrust is one of the most destructive things you can do to yourself and your relationship. I think it’s great that your partner stops off and has a beer – what a great model for his children that Mum and Dad are not at war and are friends. What a lovely gift to those kids, who probably worry quite a lot about their mum and dad not being together. Meanwhile you’re sitting at home, having a glass of wine and creating infidelity scenarios. Do me and him a favour – meet some friends when he is on the kid run, distract yourself, and every time the ridiculous thought of him and her together pops into your head, replace it with the positive image of him joining you for a drink and then going out for a great night together. Trust him, and you will soon forget this problem ever existed.

Send your questions to wendyl.nissen@nzww.co.nz or write to Agony Aunt, NZWW, PO Box 90119, Victoria St West, Auckland 1142.

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2 Responses to “Having difficulty trusting partner with ex-wife”

  1. dawnb Jan 14 2013, 12:42pm

    I have got to say I agree with Carwyn.I’m not a step or x wife -mum but feel boundaries have well and truly been crossed.Why isn’t the husband having the beer with his new wife ? I’m all for x parents getting on for the children;s sake but what happened to a phone call if one parent wants to talk about the kids?This guy seems to want to have his cake and eat it too.I’d suggest the step-mum goes with her husband next time he drops the kids off and see if she gets invited in!Make it a date night- drop the kids off and then go out for a meal,drink movies,a walk,in fact anything!!!
    What do others think?

  2. Carwyn Jan 11 2013, 1:20pm

    I think your response to this stepmum is disgraceful. I have been a stepmother & a mother & I can assure you the quickest way to another divorce is the path you seem to think is appropriate! The parents need to have a relationship only to parent their children & to suggest that the feelings of the stepmother should be brushed aside is insidious.
    Society’s attitude to second wives & all the baggage they have to deal with should be enough for any woman to think twice & sprint away from any man who behaves like she is second best.
    Stepmum, my advice is, if he continues this unnecessary socialising with his ex-lover, & disregards how you feel, pack your bags & run. It will never get better & you deserve a better life.

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