Buying Christmas presents

The secret to good Christmas gifts is to start buying them early. January is a good time, because that’s when all the sales are on.

I would say about one percent of the population do this. The rest of us leave it till December.

But don’t stress, there’s still time for you to organise the perfect present.

I like homemade gifts, such as a trip to the moon where the person themselves is operating the private shuttle, or a house overlooking the sea which the person has built specially for you. Anyone can just go out and buy something.

Don’t listen to people who say, “Christmas is so commercial. I’m not buying anything. It’s supposed to be about the baby Jesus”.

The baby Jesus was given presents by the three wise men, who gave him spices and incense – great gifts.

A gift doesn’t have to be something you can see and touch. It can be something you listen to, such as a song,
play or poem.

When you’re buying presents, the most important thing to consider is the receiver’s taste. Buy something they would like, not something you want, and never buy anything useful.

Don’t give men books. They won’t read unless there are lots of pictures. Give them things they can do in their man shed.

Women like crazy things,such as black and pink frilly underwear and fluffy mules for the house.

I often make a lot of very small Christmas cakes (in little square wooden boxes), which are incredibly well received. Ideally, they should have been made by now, but Christmas cake is so rich and divine, you can make them at this late date without risking social failure.

When it comes to wrapping, get the whole family involved with fake flowers, tinsel, ribbons, feathers, dried herbs and fabric. A Christmas gift is there to open the heart and remind people you love them.

Ideas
1. Make up a spice pack. Wrap it in cellophane, which not only keeps it fresh but allows the pretty colours of the spices to show through.

2. Bake some gift packets of shortbread. You could even flavour it, with rosemary and lemon peel, for example.

3. Brew up a whole lot of elderflower cordial and present it in pretty bottles.

4. Give a plate of freshly shucked oysters with red wine vinegar and finely chopped shallots. obviously this present must be consumed immediately.

5. Please don’t give people real candles for the Christmas tree – they will burn the house down.