Dear Wendyl,

My partner of five years joined a sports club a year ago and made friends with a guy who is an obvious alcoholic. Since they’ve been friends, my husband has been drinking excessively, sometimes up to four times a week. It’s becoming quite serious and I’m often left at home alone. I love him dearly and hate seeing him like this.

He doesn’t think that his drinking is a problem and just tells me that he’s “socialising” and there’s nothing wrong with it. I don’t know what to do. How do I get him to realise he has a problem and is hurting me and his family?

Anonymous, by email

Dear Anonymous, Before I give you any advice, I need you to check a few of the things you have said that could just be assumptions. Is his new friend really “an obvious alcoholic” or just a heavy drinker?

Is your partner drinking to excess four times a week or just drinking socially? These are important distinctions to make before you leap to any conclusions regarding his behaviour. Alcoholism is a serious problem, as is any addiction, so if your partner’s drinking is seriously interfering with his work, his relationship or his finances, then you need to get him some help.

Please visit www.alac.govt.nz – click on “Help” and then “Concerned About Someone” to get some advice about your partner’s drinking and what you can do if he has a real problem. If he doesn’t have a problem – and I want you to be objective about this – then I think you need to talk about why he prefers to spend time at the club rather than at home with you. He may simply be avoiding something in your relationship and you need to talk about that.