My husband sleeps in the spare room

Dear Wendyl,

My husband and I are in our early sixties and recently he decided to sleep in the spare room because I had a cold and my coughing was keeping him awake. I thought that was fair enough, but he hasn’t returned to our bedroom, even though I’ve been well for weeks. He says he sleeps better there and that lots of couples sleep apart when they get older. That’s all very well, but I don’t want to sleep apart, because, for one thing, I quite like sex, and I think he’s trying to get out of having it. How do I get him to come back to bed?

Lonely Wife, by email

Dear Lonely Wife

What’s needed is communication.

First, you need to address the separate bedrooms issue. Is this about sleeping better or avoiding sex? You need to be clear about this, so have a good chat with him about it, expressing how you feel, in words like, “When you sleep in the spare room it makes me feel unloved and lonely,” not, “I hate the way you sleep in the spare room, you selfish so-and-so!” Then you need to talk about your issue regarding sex.

A recent US survey showed that nearly 90% of married couples in the 60 to 64 age range are sexually active, so I wouldn’t be giving up on it yet. Be open and honest and see if you can’t work your way back to where you stopped having sex and why you stopped. I hope you can resolve it, because a healthy sexual relationship is a wonderful tonic for a marriage at any age.

Do you have a question for Wendyl? Email her at wendyl.nissen@nzww.co.nz