Taking care of special-needs children

If you’re the parent of a special-needs child, you’re probably used to doing things differently in your family. Your entire household’s schedule might revolve around the needs of your not-so-typical child, with their activities, classes, treatments, therapies and support groups taking up a great deal of time.

If you have other children, how can you make sure they’re getting the attention they need – and the space
to grow up without feeling eclipsed by their sibling’s shadow?

Grace and John are parents to Angelica, who has Down’s syndrome, and Jake, her non-special-needs younger brother. “Angelica is my life,” Grace says. “I spend all of my free time with her. I take her to community theatre practice, horseback riding lessons, job training. I essentially run her social life for her.

“Last weekend we were at a community event and Angelica and I ended up going home early. My husband John and son Jake stayed behind. As they were about to leave, John said, ‘We’d better get home before oum starts to worry.’ Jake’s reply was, ‘She won’t even notice.’

“That really hurt me – not only that he’d think I wouldn’t notice if he came home late, but because it’s probably true. I’m so involved with Angelica, I do sometimes neglect Jake – because he doesn’t need me as much as Angelica does.”

Special education teacher Erica oilliron has seven years of professional experience with families like Angelica’s, and says the way children react to their “different” sibling can be very telling.

“If parents have made an effort to structure the home environment so that children are treated equally regardless of their differences, it shows in the behaviour of the non-special-needs sibling. Usually in primary school, kids are tolerant of differences.

As a young child who doesn’t understand what’s different about their sibling, they might not even notice. As they get older, they usually just repeat whatever answers they learn from their parents. But as they hit puberty, the embarrassment – and often conflict – sets in.

“Siblings often get annoyed when people know they’re related to the ‘different’ child, or when they can’t
go somewhere because the child has an appointment or treatment. They also get annoyed when they have to take on the responsibility of being the child’s ‘watchdog’ or ‘guardian’, especially in mainstream schooling situations.”

Support group

Erica offers several suggestions for helping the siblings of special-needs children to successfully cope with their family life:

• Treat your children equally, as much as you can. Be aware of the time you’re spending on your special-needs child’s issues, and be conscious that your other children may feel left out.
• Attend parent training sessions or support groups that focus on teaching parents of special-needs children to share their time, spread their attention and foster a team approach in the home, respecting everyone’s abilities and gifts.
• Seek out a sibling summer camp or support group for your non-special-needs child as well. So often, siblings feel ashamed of their negative feelings about their special-needs brother or sister, and don’t realise that other children feel this way. Give them a supportive outlet for their feelings, where they can learn ways to cope and can see that they don’t need to go through family life unnoticed, nor do they need to become the “problem child” in order to get attention.
• Ensure your child’s school recognises that the sibling doesn’t have to have the answer, or be the “guard dog” for the special-needs child. Children should get to be themselves while in school, not be seen in the context of their differently abled sibling.
• Help the special-needs child to understand what their sibling is going through, by working with them to see their sibling as a sibling. So often, students with disabilities will idolise their non-disabled siblings, but it’s worthwhile helping them to see their brother or sister as simply an individual with accomplishments, needs and interests of their own.