Tips for adult children for ageing parents
An ageing parent was probably much easier to incorporate into your life in previous generations when they simply lived with you and became part of your extended family. These days it can be more challenging and the reality of caring for older relatives, whether they’re living with you or not, can be stressful. Here are some tips for families:

Share the problem
If you are having problems with your parent, realise that it is a problem you both share. But once you work out what the problem is, know that when it comes to making changes you can really only control your own responses and actions.

Keep your cool
Don’t get angry with your mum or dad if things are going badly. Even if their behaviour is relentlessly negative, exasperating or even unforgivebly rude, responding with anger will just make both of you feel worse and will solve nothing.

Move on
Respond to any negative conversations by moving on and not allowing yourself to be triggered by something that is said and turning it into an argument. For example, in response to, “You never come to see me. I’m so lonely,” don’t argue that you saw them just last week. Instead, try responding with, “I’m looking forward to seeing you next week. I’ll bring Lizzie’s school report – you’ll love it.” Take the focus away from the negative and move on to something positive.

Make the rules
In areas of conflict, set your boundaries. If you can visit once a week, then say that’s how often you will visit. Don’t agree to more just because you feel pressured. You must stick to them, otherwise your parent might use persuasion and threats to get you to change your mind and actions – because that often works. Likewise, don’t set up an expectation and not deliver. You wouldn’t do that to your child, so why do it to your parent?

Be understanding
Try to understand why your parent is acting the way they are. Are they genuinely lonely when they say they are? Are they really ill, or exaggerating to get your attention? Remember that even if symptoms are brought on by emotions, that doesn’t make them any less real.

Show empathy
Try to be empathetic rather than trying to cheer them up. If your mum or dad says, “I have a terrible family, You and your sister just want to put me in a home and you never visit,” do not attempt to explain why you are too busy to visit or that you don’t want to put them in a home. Simply respond with, “I’m sorry you feel this way,” and “You must be disappointed.” They may simply want you to validate how they are feeling so you should attempt to do this and resist getting into an argument.

Make visits fun
When you do visit, have a reason to be there. Will you watch a DVD together? Have a meal? Look at some old photo albums? Simply visiting and allowing the negativity a platform will make both of you feel bad. Find something pleasurable for both of you and turn the visits into something you both enjoy. When you call beforehand, establish what you all want to do and for how long. And resist making visits just about doing the shopping or other chores. You can do those too, but don’t make every visit about that.

Be thick-skinned
Some parents can become highly critical of their children when they get older and while it is hard to ignore, it is easier if you don’t escalate the attack by defending yourself. Deflect by changing the subject, or you could even agree with them so you can move on. Keep in mind your parent’s criticisms are about the way that they are feeling, not about you.

A united front
Don’t allow your parent to pit you against other siblings. Inevitably this leads to one sibling doing all the work while the others find it easier to stay away. Approach the situation with solidarity.

Honesty is best
If you need to tell your parent something they’re not going to be happy about, be honest about your reasons. For instance, if you can’t have them to live with you because you and your partner want some time to yourselves now the kids have left home, then say so. Listen to your parent’s response and respect their reaction, but be persistent about your position.

Stick to the list
Finally, work with your mum or dad to assemble a reasonable list of the things you can do for them every week, such as visiting on a specified day or days, transportation to appointments, talking on the phone a certain number of days a week, doing shopping once a week. And then stick to it. Anything you can’t do, get outside carers or tradesmen to do it.

Caring for the carer:
Looking after your loved ones can be stressful, especially if they are ill, so you need to care for your owb health too.

• Eat a healthy diet and get exercise
• Talk to your friends and if negative feelings arise, discuss them with your doctor or a counsellor
• Be sure to take regular breaks and share jobs with others wherever possible