Merging two families successfully

Being a parent may be the toughest job you’ll ever do, but being a step-parent can bring even more challenges.

Australian psychologist and author Michael Carr-Gregg, who is an internationally recognised authority on teenage behaviour, has drawn on both professional and personal experience for his book Surviving Step-Families.

oaking a go of a new family takes great reserves of time and patience, says Michael, who has a stepson as well as a biological son. “Think about it – in traditional families, parents bond with their children from birth and they learn how to relate to each other over many years. In step-families, virtual strangers move in together, so it’s not hard to understand why step-parents and children find it harder to tolerate each others’ different values and behaviours.”

Here are some of his tips for step-parents.

Start in neutral territory
oove to a new house – not your or your partner’s existing home. This helps to create new family routines and traditions and eliminates reminders of the children’s former family life.

Give visiting kids space
Providing them with their own room or even just a drawer for their personal possessions can help to ease any potential awkwardness. Involve them in routine household tasks, family projects, celebrations and outings.

Give stepchildren time to adjust
It takes at least two years for a step-family to get through the rough patches and become a committed and stable unit. Children need plenty of time to get to know a new adult. A more intimate relationship can’t develop until the stepchild’s trust, respect and affection has been gained.

Understand there will be loyalty issues
Children usually have very strong pulls to both of their biological parents. These divided loyalties make it difficult for them to relate comfortably to other adults assuming a parental role. A child may feel that getting close to their stepfather somehow means rejecting their dad.

Respect individual differences
Every young person is unique and – depending on their age – will adjust to step-family life differently. Children under 10 may adjust more easily because they flourish in cohesive family relationships, are often more accepting of new adults and have more daily needs.

Young people aged 10 to 14 have the most difficulty coming to terms with being in a new step-family. They require time to accept any new adults in their lives. Teenagers 15 or over are already in the process
of moving away from their family, and their peers are often regarded as the most important part of their lives,
so they commonly have less involvement in step-family life.

Adjust your approach to different age levels and genders, but always with the ultimate goal of establishing a loving and trusting relationship.

Let your stepchild lead the way
Take your cues from your stepchildren in building a relationship. Try beginning as a friend, as someone who
is interested in them but gives them some space. Ultimately you may find that the role of mentor, or helper to the biological parent, will work the best.

Make yourself available to your stepchildren
It’s important to do some one-on-one activities with your stepchildren, to build support. Take an interest in their favourite pastimes and their likes and dislikes. If they’re interested in something you do, offer to take them along.

Don’t expect thanks
Even if we don’t expect thanks from our own children, it can be hard to buy clothes, food, movie tickets and so on for “someone else’s child” when they don’t express any gratitude. But why should they? You’re in a parental role, and that involves a selfless commitment that simply can’t be repaid. Let it go.

Treat your stepchildren with respect
When a stepchild is treating you like the scum of the earth, it can be hard to respond with love and compassion. Remember you’re a grown-up, so act like one. This means sending positive signals rather than negative ones. If you feel like criticising them, take time out or walk away. These kind of comments can never be retracted and can cause enormous damage.

Respecting your stepchild also means never, ever insulting their biological parents. You’ll be placing your stepchild in a position where they have to choose between your potential friendship and their allegiance to someone they love. And no matter what their age, always respect their privacy by knocking on their door before entering.

Surviving Step-Families by Michael Carr-Gregg (Penguin Books, $26).