Divorced dads: expert advice
5th September, in Parents
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Divorce completely changes the dynamics of a family. It can be men who notice the biggest differences – they tend to see less of their kids because women often take over the lion’s share of childcare. The constraints of being divorced can make fatherhood more challenging, but it’s important – for men’s sake as well as their kids’ – that they continue to try to be the best dad they can. This Father’s Day, here are some hints to help with being
a divorced dad.
oaintain perspective
Remember – you separated from your ex, not your kids. Make sure that you don’t disconnect from your children just because you’re no longer living with them. Even if you’re not able to physically be with them every day, try to make an effort to be as much a part of their lives as possible.
Be consistent
If you’ve promised your kids you’ll go to their soccer game, make sure you’re there. If you’ve said you’ll pick them up at a certain time for your weekend visit, don’t be late. Their world has been rocked by the break-up of your marriage, and they need to know they can still rely on you to follow through on what you promise.
Don’t bad-mouth their mum
No matter how acrimonious your divorce has been, there’s no need to criticise your ex in front of the children. If you’re resentful or angry about the behaviour of your former spouse, keep it to yourself. Don’t make your kids feel like they have to choose sides.
Be honest about the break-up
Your children don’t need to know the nitty-gritty of what went wrong, but depending on their ages, it’s important
to give them an idea of why the marriage didn’t work. Make sure they understand that your divorce is not their fault.
Establish parenting guidelines
You and your ex most likely established rules for your kids before your break-up, and it’s important to stick to these now you’re apart. If your ex gets the kids in bed by 8pm when they’re with her, make sure that’s their bedtime when they’re with you.You must agree on rules when it comes to things like what TV programmes they’re allowed to watch – they need consistency.
Give them space
If possible, give your children a room of their own in your new home. Let them decorate it so they’ll feel comfortable whenever they stay. This can make living between two homes easier.
Pay child support
This may seem obvious, but reneging on your responsibilities can send a message to your kids that you don’t care enough to support them financially.
Keep the kids informed
Let your children know what’s going on in your life when they’re not around, so they don’t feel alienated from you. Telling them what you’re up to helps them to feel involved.
Have a support network
Don’t feel like you have to cope with fatherhood on your own. If you feel like you need some support, ask friends and family – people you trust and respect – for their advice and help. It’s not a sign of weakness.
You’re not their babysitter
When you do spend time with your kids don’t feel as if you have to keep them occupied with special outings or always be fun and entertaining. Their time with you should be normal family time, and they will be happy just to be with you.
Don’t spoil your kids
When you see your children much less than you used to, it’s tempting to spoil them by buying them treats
or taking them out all the time. Resist the urge – it sets a potentially dangerous precedent that you may feel pressured into keeping up.
And children aren’t stupid – they can end up feeling like you’re trying to buy their affections. It can also lead to a competitive feeling with your ex-wife, and make bad blood between you worse.
