Great ways for fathers to get stuck into parenting.
Fathers are about to get some more parenting support after the Families Commission discovered that most parenting programmes centre around mothers and are run for women. After surveying 180 parenting organisations around the country, the commission has set up “fathering conversations” and is committed to supporting dads as one of its priorities for the next three years. Here are some ideas for helping dads get more involved in the parenting of their children:

• Talk to other dads. Apparently men like to sit around and talk about fathering, so don’t be afraid to bring it up as a topic at the pub. Before you know it, you’ll be sharing all sorts of advice on how to look after your kids. Women have been doing this for centuries.
• Take time off. You may be entitled to two weeks unpaid paternity leave after the birth of your child, so take it if your family can afford it, and make the most of those early days to bond with your child and get involved in their day-to-day care.
• Flexible work hours. Find out how flexible your workplace is and if they can agree to family-friendly working hours for a while. Then you can be home when the baby is awake, allowing you to spend more time with your partner and helping out. For information on whether you are eligible for flexible work options, visit www.dol.govt.nz/worklife/flexible/index.asp
• Make the most of the time you have. You might have been used to getting home after a day’s work and putting your feet up with a beer, but now you have a child, this is a great opportunity to take over for a few hours. You could bath the baby or take him or her for a walk to give your partner some time off. Don’t forget that she has just taken on a full-time job looking after the baby – and most parents would agree that caring for a newborn is a lot tougher than any nine-to-five job!
• Get involved even if you’re not an expert on breastfeeding. If this is your first baby, your partner is new to it too and there is still a lot you can do, such as winding the baby, changing nappies and carrying the baby to settle it. Some fathers think the baby is happier with the mother because they can smell the mothers’ milk. Grab one of your partner’s t-shirts and wear it. Odd, but it works. Just remember to take it off before you leave the house.
• Think about becoming the stay-at-home parent. Many partners these days consider swapping roles once the baby is off the breast. The mum goes back to work (especially if she brings in more money), while Dad stays at home. It used to be most unusual but you quite often see dads with their babies in the community during the day. Some dads even set up coffee mornings to keep in touch and help each other out. There’s a great website called www.diyfather.com that can put you in touch with other stay-at-home dads in your area, plus give you lots of advice and support.
• Take the pressure off both you and your partner by only doing the minimum of chores. Don’t expect an immaculate house. It just makes sense to spend time playing with your child or children instead of mopping the floors or dusting the furniture for the third time in a week.
• Ask your partner (and both your mothers) to cut you some slack as you learn the ropes. Unfortunately, we still have stereotypes about the proper roles of fathers and mothers, and what role each should play with their children, especially among the older generations. It can be hard when you’re struggling with a nappy change and a woman comes up and insists on showing you what you are doing wrong or even takes over the job. It’s only in the past few decades that fathers have even been allowed in the delivery room, so it will take time before genuine shared parenting becomes the norm. Meanwhile, tell people that you’re doing your best and suggest that everyone lets you get on with it.
• Be realistic about a parent’s role. It’s not always a lot of fun – whether you’re the father or the mother – so share the load when things get tough. If the baby has had a few unsettled nights and your partner is beside herself, take a day off and help out. Just as you’d put extra hours in at work if there was a big job on or a deadline to meet, you need to sometimes stretch it the other way to make things work at home too.
• Block out your weekends. Yes, weekends are for fun and relaxation, but now that you’re a parent, you can’t spend all day playing footy and having beers with the boys afterwards. Include some recreation but build weekends around your family, not your social life. - Be a role model and talk up the father role with your friends and relatives. Attitudes are changing but many fathers still feel they can’t take on a more active role. So you be the one to arrange social activities with kids, and show them how it’s done.