Communicating with your children is an important part of parenting. Parenting children is a tough job, not to mention one of the longest and most confusing. But while we worry ourselves silly that we’re doing something wrong, one of the simplest things to get right is communication. It’s a skill that, if mastered, acts as an early warning system – if something’s going wrong in your child’s life, they will tell you.

A recent study found that more than 80% of children under 13 would rather talk about their feelings to their cat than to their parents or friends, so it would seem like a good idea to spend some time communicating with our kids.

Here are some tips:

• We’ve all had a conversation with someone who wasn’t listening and been frustrated. Make sure you pay attention.
• It’s not all about words. We also communicate with each other via things like our tone of voice, our gestures, how we stand and our facial expressions, so be aware of how you are expressing yourself.
• Be conscious of your body language. Children are small, so get down to their level, especially if you want them to listen. No-one likes being towered over.
• What is your face doing? Are you frowning or scowling while you are saying something to your child? If you talk to kids with an open, smiling face, they’re more likely to be receptive to what you have to say.
• If you have a message to deliver, then get up close – don’t yell from another room. This way your child gets to see your expressions and interpret whether you are serious or not. Keep instructions positive, eg, “Jane, can you please tidy your room,” rather than, “Your room is a disgrace, do something about it.”
• Encourage independence by giving kids choices, but make them simple, such as, “Do you want pizza or sausages?” not “What do you want for dinner?”
• Pay attention. We can’t always drop what we’re doing when a child comes running in the door wanting us to look at their art work but it would be good if we could do it nine times out of 10. Your child isn’t showing off – they’re just asking you to give them some attention and the more you can comment on their work and take these opportunities to let them see how much you like it, the better they feel.
• Encourage every member of the family to share their day around the dinner table. If no-one’s talking, perhaps everyone could tell a joke to get the ball rolling.
• Learn to listen. If your cellphone goes off in the car while your child is telling you about her day at school, let it go to voicemail. You can call back in five minutes and meanwhile your daughter feels valued for her story. You are also sending her the message that she comes before work or friends.
• Don’t drift off, even if their story is taking forever to tell. If you need to do something, suggest they finish the story later, but make sure you follow up and hear the rest. - Use down time to talk. Stuck in traffic? Then get talking with your kids about school, sports, TV, or something which is happening out the window. It’s all good practice and can be quite entertaining too.
• Use your child’s name first when you are trying to get their attention.
• Give clear instructions and only include three things in each instruction as that is all most children can remember.
• Do a mental checklist at the end of the day and ask yourself how many positive conversations you had with your child and how many negative ones you had. Did you spend the whole day telling them off? If so, ask yourself why that happened and the next day consciously try to be happy, positive and encouraging with your kids.
• Some kids are just not great talkers and give monosyllabic answers like “okay” to questions like, “How was school?”. You need to work harder on communication with these kids by avoiding eye contact and getting them to talk while they are doing other things such as walking to school, kicking a ball in the park or, my favourite trick, taking them for a really long drive with just the two of you.
• Keep talking. Even when your child gets to the often-surly (with you, anyway!) teen years, they’ll have a chat if you give them the time and they know you’ll listen.