There are 4248 grandparent caregivers signed up to the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Charitable Trust, according to its national convener, Diane Vivian. She says it can be terribly isolating for grandparents who are becoming parents again and it is important they reach out and get help.

There are 40 support groups around the country, but here are some tips from Diane for anyone finding themselves raising their grandchildren:

• From day one, set up a routine. Many of these children will have come from unstable environments and  they need the order of things happening at a certain time, the same way, every day.

• Give lots of hugs and cuddles and assure them they are safe in your house. They may not have felt very secure in their previous home and it is important they know they have finally found somewhere safe.

• In many cases if Child, Youth and Family (CYF) are involved there will be access visits granted to the parents, which can be volatile. If you feel this will be the case, do not let them take place in your home. Organise for them to happen elsewhere so your house remains a calm and safe place for the children.

• Stay within sight of the children as much as possible. Many of these children will have abandonment issues and will need to be reassured you’re not going to leave them.

• Encourage your grandchildren into extra-curricular activities at school to keep them busy and fill up their lives.

• Educate yourself as much as possible about different pertinent issues, such as attachment grief, and how to handle them.

• Reassure the children it is not their fault the family unit broke down, as often they will blame themselves.

• Make a rule that, as much as possible, there will be no adult talk around the children. Don’t talk about their parents in a negative way or expect them to understand the complexity of the issues going on around them.

• Be honest, but only to the level of their understanding. They need to know what is going on but keep your explanations simple.

• Seek counselling for them and you if necessary. Your GP can refer you or your Citizen’s Advice Bureau will know of counselling services within your community.

• Don’t buy into the children’s stress. They may know only one way of getting attention – which is by provoking you until you react with anger. If this happens, keep calm, talk in a monotone and your calmness will filter down to them.

• Seek financial information. If the children are going to be cared for by you for the next 12 months and there has been a Family Group Conference, you may be entitled to unsupported child benefit – which is paid through Work and Income. As an example,you could be eligible for $185 a week for caring for a 14-year-old child. You should also ask about the OSCA programme, which helps with childcare costs such as preschool or afterschool care. If the children are under a CYF chief executive they can get board payments from their social worker including clothing allowances, birthday and Christmas money and perhaps other advantages. Keep asking as you may not always be offered this information.

• Make use of support groups. Connect with Diane through her trust (website address below). She will send out a handbook that will guide you through every aspect you will face while raising your grandchildren and you will receive a monthly newsletter.

• Be aware that families can be divided over your role as caregiver. Family members may offer help that is never forthcoming, or your other children may be upset you are devoting all your energy to one set of grandchildren.

• Respite care is available. A new government initiative involves twice-yearly camps where children can go for a six-day holiday and grandparents can have a rest.

• Don’t allow yourself to feel isolated. Sometimes friends may not be understanding because your life has gone from revolving around gardening and overseas trips to fish fingers and homework. Reach out to others and get support from like-minded grandparents.

For more information and support contact Diane Vivian at www.raisinggrandchildren.org.nz