Low self-esteem can be crippling for a child. Some signs that they might be suffering from this include having trouble trying out new experiences and talking about themselves with negative statements such as “I’m stupid”. They might be extremely hard on themselves and find little setbacks are too much to handle, causing them to give up all together.

A child with high self-esteem is more likely to ask for help if faced with a challenge, will be more comfortable in groups and will enjoy social situations. There are many things we, as parents, can do to help our children develop good self-esteem as they grow. Here are some tips:

1. Look to your own self-esteem first. If you are hard on yourself and talk negatively about your achievements then it is possible your child will copy you and begin to display low self-esteem as well.
2. Be careful about the words that come out of your mouth. Many parents don’t realise the kind of impact the things we say can have on our kids. The words you use can cause your child to form a bad opinion of themselves.
3. If your child doesn’t get into a sports team, talk to them about the effort they made and reward them for trying their best. Don’t tell them that they need to try harder next time. All children try their best – your job is to make them feel validated for that effort.
4. As Kiwis, we have a reputation for not celebrating or affirming how talented and great we are as a nation. Don’t let that influence your parenting style. Look for opportunities to grab your child and hug them. Tell them how much you love them, even if they’ve just walked in the door.
5. Be sure to praise the little things children do, like remembering to put their dishes on the bench or making their bed without being asked. And be descriptive in your praise to show that you really have noticed. You could say, “I never realised what a great job you do of making your bed, you’ve really worked hard at that,” rather than just commenting that they made the bed. And always try your hardest to get to their sports games, displays or performances to show how much you support them.
6. Don’t let your child believe they are a bad person. Just because they didn’t get the mark they hoped for on an exam, it doesn’t mean they are “bad” at that subject. Correct them if they start to talk about their abilities in negative terms. Help to reposition their belief by saying something like, “You’re not bad at that subject, it’s just one that needs a bit of extra work and we can do that together.” Focus on the subjects they are good at by listing them and reminding your child of their achievements.
7. “I’m a loser,” is a phrase that should be banned from every family home. No-one is a loser because everyone has things they are good at if they’re given the chance to discover their talents.
8. Don’t ignore problem behaviour with your child, try to redirect it. If your child’s emotions get out of control during a family incident, don’t mark them as a “tantrum thrower”. Ask yourself why it is happening and work with them to deal with their emotions in a healthier way, such as encouraging everyone involved in an argument to walk away before it gets too heated. And follow up with your child – reward them when they make the right choice and work with them to make that choice again the next time around.
9. Children who don’t feel safe at home or who are often exposed to abuse will have trouble with their self-esteem. Try to make your home a warm, loving place, even if there may be tensions, such as difficulties with your marriage or anger management issues. Work to keep these issues away from your child whenever possible and get help to resolve conflict in your home.
10. Some families seem to think it’s funny to criticise each other, but this can cause a lifetime of unhappy memories. Don’t allow kids to make fun of each other and, while it is sometimes necessary to criticise a behaviour, do it in a constructive way, pointing out what your child did well before helping with other things that they might need to work on.